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Thursday, January 11th, 2007
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| Time: | 10:51 pm. |
| Music: | I heard her call my name - The Velvet Underground. |
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The gift was in a book of short storys i had when i was 7 or 8 and it made me seek out The Velvet Underground when i got older. I was just thinking of it and thought i would share.
Realy i think it was this story/song that seemed to shape the type of books I did read.
"The Gift" By The Velvet Underground
Waldo Jeffers had reached his limit.
It was now mid-August which meant that he had been separated from Marsha for more than two months.
Two months, and all he had to show were three dog-eared letters and two very expensive long-distance phone calls.
True, when school had ended and she'd returned to Wisconsin and he to Locust, Pennsylvania she had sworn to maintain a certain fidelity.
She would date occasionally, but merely as amusement.
She would remain faithful. But lately Waldo had begun to worry.
He had trouble sleeping at night and when he did, he had horrible dreams.
He lay awake at night, tossing and turning underneath his printed quilt protector, tears welling in his eyes,
As he pictured Marsha, her sworn vows overcome by liquor and the smooth soothings of some Neanderthal,
Finally submitting to the final caresses of sexual oblivion. It was more than the human mind could bear.
Visions of Marsha's faithlessness haunted him.
Daytime fantasies of sexual abandon permeated his thoughts.
And the thing was, they wouldn't understand who she really was.
He, Waldo, alone, understood this.
He had intuitively grasped every nook and cranny of her psyche.
He had made her smile, and she needed him, and he wasn't there. (Awww.)
The idea came to him on the Thursday before the Mummers Parade was scheduled to appear.
He had just finished mowing and edging the Edelsons lawn for a dollar-fifty
And had checked the mailbox to see if there was at least a word from Marsha.
There was nothing more than a circular form the Amalgamated Aluminum Company of America inquiring into his awning needs.
At least they cared enough to write.
It was a New York company. You could go anywhere in
the mails. Then it struck him: he didn't have enough
money to go to Wisconsin in the accepted fashion,
true, but why not mail himself? It was absurdly
simple. He would ship himself parcel post special
delivery. The next day Waldo went to the supermarket
to purchase the necessary equipment. He bought
masking tape, a staple gun and a medium sized
cardboard box, just right for a person of his build.
He judged that with a minimum of jostling he could
ride quite comfortably. A few airholes, some water, a
selection of midnight snacks, and it would probably be
as good as going tourist.
By Friday afternoon, Waldo was set. He was thoroughly
packed and the post office had agreed to pick him up
at three o'clock. He'd marked the package "FRAGILE"
and as he sat curled up inside, resting in the foam
rubber cushioning he'd thoughtfully included, he tried
to picture the look of awe and happiness on Marsha's
face as she opened the door, saw the package, tipped
the deliverer, and then opened it to see her Waldo
finally there in person. She would kiss him, and then
maybe they could see a movie. If he'd only thought of
this before. Suddenly rough hands gripped his package
and he felt himself borne up. He landed with a thud
in a truck and then he was off.
Marsha Bronson had just finished setting her hair. It
had been a very rough weekend. She had to remember
not to drink like that. Bill had been nice about it
though. After it was over he'd said that he still
respected her and, after all, it was certainly the way
of nature and even though no, he didn't love her, he
did feel an affection for her. And after all, they
were grown adults. Oh, what Bill could teach Waldo --
but that seemed many years ago. Sheila Klein, her
very, very best friend walked in through the porch
screen door into the kitchen. "Oh God, it's
absolutely maudlin outside."
"Ugh, I know what you mean, I feel all icky." Marsha
tightened the belt on her cotton robe with the silk
outer edge. Sheila ran her finger over some salt
grains on the kitchen table, licked her finger and
made a face.
"I'm supposed to be taking these salt pills, but," she
wrinkled her nose, "they make me feel like throwing
up."
Marsha started to pat herself under the chin, an
exercise she'd seen on television. "God, don't even
talk about that." She got up from the table and went
to the sink where she picked up a bottle of pink and
blue vitamins. "Want one? Supposed to be better than
steak." And attempted to touch her knees. "I don't
think I'll ever touch a daiquiri again." She gave up
and sat down, this time nearer the small table that
supported the telephone. "Maybe Bill'll call," she
said to Sheila's glance.
Sheila nibbled on a cuticle. "After last night, I
thought maybe you'd be through with him."
"I know what you mean. My God, he was like an
octopus. Hands all over the place." She gestured,
raising her arms upward in defense. "The thing is
after a while, you get tired of fighting with him, you
know, and after all he didn't really do anything
Friday and Saturday so I kind of owed it to him, you
know what I mean." She started to scratch. Sheila
was giggling with her hand over her mouth. "I'll tell
you, I felt the same way, and even after a while," she
bent forward in a whisper, "I wanted to," and now she
was laughing very loudly.
It was at this point that Mr. Jameson of the Clarence
Darrow Post Office rang the door bell of the large
stucco colored frame house. When Marsha Bronson
opened the door, he helped her carry the package in.
He had his yellow and his green slips of paper signed
and left with a fifteen-cent tip that Marsha had
gotten out of her mothers small beige pocket book in
the den. "What do you think it is?" Sheila asked.
Marsha stood with her arms folded behind her back. S
he stared at the brown cardboard carton that sat in
the middle of the living room. "I don't know."
Inside the package Waldo quivered with excitement as
he listened to the muffled voices. Sheila ran her
fingernail over the masking tape that ran down the
center of the carton. "Why don't you look at the
return address and see who it is from?" Waldo felt
his heart beating. He could feel the vibrating
footsteps. It would be soon.
Marsha walked around the carton and read the
ink-scratched label. "Ugh, God, it's from Waldo!"
"That schmuck," said Sheila. Waldo trembled with
expectation. "Well, you might as well open it," said
Sheila. Both of them tried to lift the stapled flap.
"Ahh, shit," said Marsha groaning. "He must have
nailed it shut." They tugged at the flap again. "My
God, you need a power drill to get this thing opened."
They pulled again. "You can't get a grip!" They
both stood still, breathing heavily.
"Why don't you get the scissors," said Sheila. Marsha
ran into the kitchen, but all she could find was a
little sewing scissor. Then she remembered that her
father kept a collection of tools in the basement.
She ran downstairs and when she came back, she had a
large sheet-metal cutter in her hand.
"This is the best I could find." She was very out of
breath. "Here, you do it. I'm gonna die." She sank
into a large fluffy couch and exhaled noisily.
Sheila tried to make a slit between the masking tape
and the end of the cardboard, but the blade was too
big and there wasn't enough room. "Godamn this
thing!" she said feeling very exasperated. Then,
smiling, "I got an idea."
"What?" said Marsha.
"Just watch," said Sheila touching her finger to her
head.
Inside the package, Waldo was so transfixed with
excitement that he could barely breathe. His skin
felt prickly from the heat and he could feel his heart
beating in his throat. It would be soon. Sheila
stood quite upright and walked around to the other
side of the package. Then she sank down to her knees,
grasped the cutter by both handles, took a deep breath
and plunged the long blade through the middle of the
package, through the middle of the masking tape,
through the cardboard, through the cushioning and
(thud) right through the center of Waldo Jeffers head,
which split slightly and caused little rhythmic arcs
of red to pulsate gently in the morning sun.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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i think everyone worked everything out. I know i lost a friend but not one i would want. and i think my secrets are save. and so are yours worried readers. so are yours
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During last month when I was having relationship problems there was one person I talked to. I did and still don’t know him that well. But we have sort of had intersecting past. Before we talked I knew stuff about him and he knew stuff about me. Today I get an email from a girl that goes to my school she is/was friends with this guy.
Over the weekend she stopped by his place to hang out and found that he had drugged a mutual friend. The girl took the friend home with out letting her know who took her home or what had happened.9she doesn’t want to get in anymore trouble because of this guy) But she felt the need to have me tell the friend what happened.
I plan on telling her what happened but he knows a lot of shit about me from a few years back and from the last month or so. Equally I know some shit about him including the fact that he is a fucking date rapper. But if anything should come out about me or anything I may have done, or said, I’m sorry.
I know he reads my blogs by some things he has said, and I hope he doesn’t find the need to add more drama to this. The past is the past and we are both done with it.
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crap balls
i hate felling like this. i know how to make it stop but i know that i cant have it. in the past i would just self medicate myself but it really cant do that, nor do i want to. I just want to STOP felling this way. but my feellings still hurt as much as they ever did if not more. I think im getting use to the pain. but i still cant sleep. the only person who i have been able to talk to keeps telling me to fight for what i want. but that would come at a huge loss if i failed, i dont know if i could deal with it. it would be an uphill battle.
lately i have been thinking of just packing up and moving some where new. some where where i can make new first impressions. maybe just meeting new people here would work. if you know of anyone you think i might get along with as a friend or more let me know. I need to meet new people, i have been codependent for way to long.
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gerrrrrr. I cant seem to get any call backs from aps i put in. not even for interviews. is it just there are no jobs out there? I think im going to try the ups station at nerk for the summer. they will work around classes and someone said last summer they got 12 and hour to start and they could do over time if they wanted to. i miss 60 hur work weeks. those were nice.
I was able to pay for the first few years of school from the extra cash.
I know the anser but I need to move..badly. anyone want to share a place?
name the song:
She cuts my skin and bruise my lips
She's everything to me
She tears my clothes and burns my eyes
She's all I want to see
She brings the cold and scars my soul
She's heaven sent to me
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if anyone wants to go to bonnaroo email me.
(or if your going let me know :P )
you know it will be fun with something for everyone.
from a song can you name it?:
About the future I only can reminisce
For what I've had is what I'll never get
And although this may sound strange
My future and my past are presently disarranged
And I'm surfing on a wave of nostalgia for an age yet to come
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I hate felling like one of those pathedic people who are stuck on one person or one event in there live.
It making so many things hard right now. Im trying to moveon. I cant sleep because when i close myeyes i see buteful things and they make it hurt so much.
this month i have asked out 8 people and not one yes. besides the self esteam problems i think im getting terets. (sp) and my OCD is acting up something allful.
yet another part of a movie quote:
"I'm sick and I'm in love. "
'You seem the sort of person who confuses the two. '
"That's right. That's the first time you've been right. I confuse the two and I don't care. "
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I got to see an olf friend today. it was nice. Its one of those people you allways wonder how they are doing because you worry about them. in the 30 sec we talked I could tell that she is doing fine and will be for some time.
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grrrr I wish i had someone to talk to this about!
why cant i just be okay with what i have.
why do i want what i cant have.
why cant i get over my hang ups.
its not like i don't try.
but when i try to respect others i fail
and when i try thinking of just myself i also fail.
it stinks
the Subject is a quote from one of my fav movies, name it. need a hint?
' Everything is the same, even if it's different. '
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Thursday, April 20th, 2006
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I’m having trouble sleeping to night so I thought I would write to try to clear my head.
The first time I was kissed was in the 5th grade. Her name was Jessica. We had been friends for a long time; we always played together on the play ground. Over the summer between 4th grade and 5th grade she found out she had cancer. When school started back up none of her friends would get near her, even though all the teachers pushed that it was not going to make anyone else sick to be around her. The only ones who treated her like a person was a new girl and myself. Towards the end of the school year she asked me if i wanted to be her boy friend. When I said yes she gave me a kiss on the cheek. That was the first kiss I remember ever getting from some one who wasn’t one of my aunts. I got my seconded kiss, also on the cheek, on the last day of classes. She made me promise to not play with other girls over the summer.
That was the last time I ever seen her. I would like to think she moved.
In 7th grade I meet Tracy. She sat next to me in advanced math. Besides I had a crush on her before we ever spoke. She was very cute, but what made me like her more was the fact that she had a Jack Handy binder. We stayed friends all through high school. The few times we hung out she was very affectionate to me, it made being friends hard on me but I liked it all the same.
Sadly I don’t remember the name of the first girl I went on a date with. It was in the 9th grade. She was in the 12th. We had gone out a few times before, but at a foot ball game she pounced on me behind the school and gave me a real kiss. When I didn’t kiss back she got mad and ran off. The next day she told me that she never wanted to see me any more.
I didn’t date any more in high school. When I was 19 I tried dating once more. I went out with a few girls ranging from some one who wasn’t legal to a girl who told me after the 2nd date that she was married. All relationships seemed to end when I didn’t kiss them back.
It was about this time I found live journal. I started looking at friends pages of friends. I found 2 journals that I liked locally. I had emails ready to send both girls when a friend said I might like her friend. It turned out to be one of the people I had planed on emailing.
After we talked a bit online I went out with her. That was the night I gave my first kiss. She was very touchy to me, not being on many dates with people I felt conferrable with I assumed that affection always meant a deep attraction. She was just out of a relationship, and I didn’t realize that part of what could have drove the affection was the fear of being alone or inadequate.
We dated for about 2 years before I got somewhat scared, scared that I had not really seen what else was out there. (I have spoke to a few other guys who waited to long to start dating, they all said that they have got this felling and left the girl who got them out of there shell. None of the others went back.)
During this brake up time I decided I wanted to see how well I clicked with another person I had chatted with online. I drove eight ours to her apartment. I think I kissed her before I even said hello. I had a strong attraction to her and I think she liked me but I think we both knew that we were better as friends.
I went out with a few other people at this time. One kissed me and slapped me when I didn’t kiss back. After a while I asked out the first girl I kissed, we started dating for a bit more. Then I found out something that she did while we were dating that made me not trust her for a long time. But I some how forgave it.
Since my last birthday I have been looking at my life and what I want out of it. I use to think that I didn’t ever want a family, but that has changed. I felt this way for a while with out telling anyone. I tried to work through what I felt hoping that it was a phase that would pass. In that time I had a chance with the other girl I almost emailed back when I was 19 or 20. But I declined.
Shortly after I had to let the girl I was dating how I felt. After some deep thought I decided that I wanted to date some other people to see if I could get deep feelings once more. And that is where I stand now.
To this date I have only kissed 3 people.
One is a just a friend who has got lost with time.
And two that I am attracted to but other issues stand in the way of anything long term coming out of it.
I think one thing that holds me back is that I fell like I need to know someone before I can kiss them. Not many people are willing to date some one who doesn’t give them instant gratification.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
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Ive lost 11 pounds since the 9th, one a day.
I just cant get my head together for classes this time around. Im in a funk or a slump or a rut or something
im not usaly a music poster but i like some from red red red:
I don't understand about
Diamonds and why men buy them
What's so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining
And it's dangerous work
Trying to get to you too
And I think if I didn't have to
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill myself doing it
Maybe I wouldn't think so much of you
I've been watching all the time
And I still can't find the tack
And I wanna know is it okay
Is it just fine
Or is it my fault
Is it my lack
But there's solace a bit for submitting
To the fitfully cryptically true
What's happened has happened
What's coming is already on its way
With a role for me to play
I don't understand
I'll never understand
But I'll try to understand
There's nothing else I can do
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Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
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I wanted to go to bonnaroo, and jerry just approached me and asked if I wanted to do some interviews for his music mag when it relaunches this summer. Long story short, he is going to try to get me presses pass for bonnaroo. This means not only some set up interviews but also getting in to the photo areas (really damn close)
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 12:11 am. |
| Music: | The Smiths - SweetAnd TenderHooligan. |
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I think I’m changing. I’m not sure how, I just think what I want out of life isn’t what it use to be. I use to just want to be love and be loved but it seems like I want something else that I can’t place.
I spent the day alone, it was kind of nice. I got to catch up on some readings.
I also got to watch some movies: Thumbsucker, The Baxter, Broken Flowers, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I like them all but for the last I have to be in the right mood. It makes me lose my composer and I sob like a babe, I relate with it all to well.
I got a call from my mom, she works with mentally handy caped adults who live on there own. The one she cares for said she threw a cup at him, so she is on probation until they work out what really happened. That means she isn’t working and can’t make her house payment. I think I am going to give her the money I had been saving to get on my own feet.
I envy those who can just move out on there own, with out planning ahead. I realize some have no other choose, I envy them to.
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Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
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Saturday, November 6th, 2004
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Thursday, September 30th, 2004
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please register asap!
the deadline to do so in ohio is monday (the 4th)
you can do it at any public library!
this election is too important. please register. please vote.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, September 20th, 2004
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Monday, September 6th, 2004
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I watched “her” and “garden state” over the weekend. I liked them both.
Hero was good. Well shoot, strong story, and some neat use of color. I wish I knew more about what colors symbolized what in Asian cutler. The only one I really know that got used is red is the color of divinity.
Garden state was okay but could have dropped a lot of drug use and still played just as well if not better.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, July 29th, 2004
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My cousin Brian lost a few fingers in a boating accident this weekend. It wasn't his fault. It was just a freak thing.
We have grown apart over the years. He and his sister (Val) use to be the closest thing I had to a brother. When we were about 6 we would make canals in a dirt hill side with sticks then race marbles down the 30 foot itinerary. Some times we would add jumps or other such tricks.
Val and I still get along well, but Brian just got a bit to hick like for me to do stuff with, granted we use to do farm work together. Working on the farm made him want to be one himself, but what I seen and heard from the animals is why I can no longer eat meat.
It's odd how it took him being disfigured for me to conclude how we did grow apart.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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just thought Id drope a note to the few people who read this.
I have afew spare passes for the showing of napoleon dynamite on the 1st. we plan on leaving from ouz at about 4pm. You will like it! if you do not you can still ebay the tshirt!
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postalpez's journal
